Weh I was a kid I prayed every night for a bike until I figured out that that's not the way that God works, so I stole a bike and then asked him for forgiveness. - Emo Phillips
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" - Emo Phillips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. - Emo Phillips
Women! Ya can't live with 'em and ya can't get 'em to wear skimpy little Nazi outfits. - Emo Phillips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. - Emo Phillips
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. - Emo Phillips
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. - Emo Phillips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. - Emo Phillips